I can still remember the day, the morning more specifically, it was the 13th of January 2012. It was like any other morning comparable to the previous few months since I had accepted Christ, difficult and shrouded in doubt. This difficult path was a stark contrast to my first encounter with God some seven years prior. Back then I possessed a childlike faith which permitted me quite literally trust that I walked with Jesus on a day to day basis; it was effortless.
In the months prior to this day in question, I had been asked to study the beatitudes but had given up on that study to look into the Trinity. As it pertained to the Trinity, I was finding it difficult to align an element of the doctrine with scripture and therefore refused to accept what was presented in its entirety. The need for clear, concise understanding, is typical of me and continues to cause quite a stir in my walk. This clarity I seek, I somehow know innately and is also why the beatitudes never felt complete after months of going through it. Back to the story…
This morning I was driving to work like any other day and remember clearly hearing the words, “I love you”. As assuring and comforting as these words should have been, they were not, my immediate response was, “I am simply hearing what I want to”. This internal dialogue was the root of my recent contention and the source of my doubt; I did not trust that the voice was God’s as I so effortlessly did before. I remembered deciding that morning; I was going to trust the voice and accept it as Christ or I was going to give up. So, with nothing else to lose I received the voice as Jesus’. The exchange continued for the entirety of the journey, about what I do not recall, what I do remember however is that I decided to test the voice I was conversing with by a question as I was approaching my destination; you see I was told at the church I had just started to attend that I should “test the spirit”.
I can smile at my naivety now. My question was simple, “Explain to me the Trinity”. The response was equally simple, but I found its simplicity to be profound, and it had the power to strengthen my faith significantly, the conversation as I recall it went like this.
Within: “Whom do you think you are talking to?”
Me: “I believe I am talking to Jesus.”
Within: “Does the Father send Me and do I not only speak what that Father tells me?”
Within: “If that is the case are you talking to the Father as well when you speak to Me?”
Within: “How is it possible that you can talk to Me? Am I not in heaven?”
Me: “Yes You are, but the Holy Spirit can make it possible.”
Within: “Well there you go, all three members of the Godhead are with you, as One God, working in perfect harmony.”
There He was, the Trinity and very simply presented. Consequently, there I was as well and finally with a sense of peace. Later that day He asked me how my study of the beatitudes was coming, to which I responded that they were not going well, almost as if I could feel His smile, He told me He would teach me Himself. I still believe it was all a setup, but it was a necessary one. When He told me He would teach me, I got pen and paper to address the beatitudes in the same manner that I was trying to do previously, as a document to be understood academically, without which this content I now share, wouldn’t have even entered my mind to record as it is now.
I recall a few other things from that day;
I remember noticing that my prayers were directed outward as if to a being who was far away, but that now I knew He was with me and intimately close.
I also remember Him telling me about helping others and that to make sure that when I did, I wasn’t the one promoted but that He was, that boasting was an element of works while redirecting the glory was evidence of grace.
I remember finding myself asking if He was there throughout that day, especially when I couldn’t feel His presence or hear His quiet voice on the inside.
He was always there.